Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ayatolla of Smartassola

Yes! That's right, that's right. The Ayatolla of "Smart ass-ola!" Got it? Good. I have to remind people of this from time to time as they start to look at me through narrowed eyes, wondering, "Is he serious?" Or sometimes, "What is he talking about? I'm not sure but I'll act like I do..." Yes, yes, a rather common occurrence for those who trod on the plains of seriousness without ever looking up or jumping into a puddle. Those are the most suspicious folks, the ones I wouldn't want to open beverages with, or deal in to a hand of "dealer's choice."

For those of you, three so far, that have asked me, "Who's A.D.?" It's short for Athletic Director. Do I really know one, or did I really go into someone's office and spread the gospel of B.C.P.? Maybe, maybe not. Just remember it's the Ayatolla of Smartassola! And that may help lead you to the enlightened land. Yeah!

Did you hear USC was furious about Brent Musberger broadcasting Booty's hand signal of "hang loose" at the end of USC's game? It's apparently his signal to his wide receivers that he's identified the defensive coverage as man-to-man. Come on, chill out and drink a Yoohoo. What are you crazy? Any slob with time to spare and a VCR who wanted to figure out a signal like that could. Troy Smith's of Ohio State was tapping the top of his helmet. Hey USC, what is that rocket science for ya? Opposing coaches pour over game film like dateless guys, okay all guys, over Playboy. And I'm not talking 'bout the articles, if you know what I mean. So lighten up, there USC. If you want to keep it a secret, here's another brilliant idea from the top of the genius pile - don't tell a reporter. What you should be more irate about is your nickname. Who decided to call your teams the Trojans? Obviously they didn't bother to ask Dr. Reada Classicsometime. Trojans? From Troy? Let's see, their best warrior was killed by Achilles, his body dragged around the city, and their city was burned to the ground by the Greeks. To borrow from the Guinness lads, "Brilliant!"

And for all you whiners bemoaning the state of the Panthers. Re-freaking-lax. Go chill out in the stands in the Yoohoo section with USC. The season has barely started. Yes, they're 0-2. But have a little faith in Coach Fox. There's a lot of games left and whole lot can change between now and January. So go crack one open. I am, though it'll be a little stronger than Yoohoo..."Brilliant!" Ah yes. Exactly.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

B.C.P. Baby

Memo to all NCAA Athletic Directors: B.C.P.

Oh you don’t know what that means? Having you been living under a rock for the past two weeks? It means Beware the Cream Puff. Or as I told a certain A.D. friend of mine recently, “B.C.P. baby.”
“What? What does that mean?” He squinted and stared at me, hoping a quick flutter of blinks would erase the word etched all over his face, Fear. His brow furrowed. Sweat rolled down his left temple. He called his secretary, “Hold all my calls.” Then he turned back to me, “Tell me what you know.”
“It’s simple,” I quipped. “B.C.P...Beware the Cream Puff.” His eyes twinkled and he quickly scribbled down everything I said, as if my words were dipped in gold. “Think about it. You’re paying ‘ol Cream Puff U. to show up and get steamrolled. It’s a cake walk for you and a paycheck for them.”
“Yes! Yes, that’s what I did.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here.”
“Oh, so what happened?” A monitor on his desk flashed to life and a message scrolled across the screen F-I-R-E-C-O-A-C-H when he yanked the power cord out of the monitor. “This is madness,” he declared. “Help me. You must help me.”
“I’m trying to, if you’ll stop interrupting me.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s really rude.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Of course you are. Now, this plan of yours, it’s completely flawed. The first problem is, everyone knows you’ve scheduled a Cream Puff, including your players. So they think they can just show up and win. Now the guys at C.P., they’ve had this date circled on the calendar since last spring. Every time they work out, they're thinking of you. They’ve been gearing up for you for months. They all know if they knock you off, instant fame. Their coaches have been dissecting game films of yours for five months. Your coaches have looked at film on them for five days. So there’s problem number one, Motivation. Your second problem in all of this is Publicity. The game’s not televised, so there’s no exposure. You can’t sell your program to a recruit by telling him you’re barely on TV. If you want national exposure, you play the Big Boys. Think Big Conference, Big Name, Big Program. Play Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere. That's how you build a program.”
“I think I’m starting to see.”
“Yes,” I nodded to him, “I bet you are. Now keep writing. Another problem of yours? The Fanbase. You beat the Cream Puff U. Cheesies by fifty points and nobody cares, you’re supposed to. Now if you only win by a touchdown, or, heaven help you, you lose to them, then you’re stuck where you are right now. The fans want somebody fired for it. Could be you, or the coach, or the offensive coordinator. Either way, they want blood.”
“You’re right. There’s nothing to gain from C.P.U.”
“Now you’re talking, B.C.P. baby!”
The phone rang. “I thought I said to hold my calls? Oh, it is? Yes, yes, right away.” A.D. covered the phone with his hand and beamed to me, “This is big!” Then he removed his hand and gushed out, “Yes sir, it sure is…Much better now that I’m talking to you…Well, I think this University and the Tidy Bowl would make a great partnership…Oh yes, December 24th, can’t think of a better time to schedule a game…well come on now, of course we’ll win six games…just fax it over and I’ll sign right now…you too.” And with that A.D. hung up the phone. The Fear was erased from his face and replaced with Pride. He glistened in his glory. “Oh Mr. Myers, my friend, you just witnessed history in the making.” If A.D. would’ve looked closer, he would’ve seen Disgust chiseled on my face. He called his secretary back, “Yes can you look up Little Sisters of the Poor for me? After that I’ll need Perennial Homecoming Loser’s number too.”
As I left his office I hollered back to him, “Review your notes, old friend. I’ll see you next week.”

What a week of football we have coming up! Saturday’s going to be a feast for the fans. My picks? Florida State over Clemson. Notre Dame over Michigan, though I personally can’t stand the ‘Holier Than Thou’ Golden Domers. LSU over Auburn, but bet someone you know the Tigers will win the game and either way, you’ll win some cash. USC over Nebraska in a blowout. Oregon over Oklahoma. Miami over Louisville, their defense will shut down Louisville’s running game. Florida over Tennessee, but it will come down to the final two minutes – hate the Gators too, but this is business. It’s where you learn to pick with your brain, not with your heart. Oh, and my guaranteed win, whoever’s playing Duke.

Heard the song “Sexyback” by Justin Timberlake? No, I’m not gay, “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Pretty damn good song. Would never have guessed it was him when I heard it.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Hallelujah!

Can you hear the chorus singing "Hallelujah"? I did. Loud and clear on ESPN Thursday night. What a glorious occasion...the start of college football!

Finally the doldrums of summer sports are over and the clash of gridiron titans has returned. We are blessed as spectators of modern epics. The ancient Greeks must marvel in their grave to witness the spectacle of present day Apollos striding down Mt. Olympus, quiver and bow thundering against the sky and "descending like night" upon stadiums, coliseums, and fields across the country. And bitter rivals feuding in battle like Achilles and Hector. Yes, books of the Iliad take place every Saturday now that college football has returned. Monday Night: The epic clash of perennial giants as Florida State travels to Miami. My prediction: Florida State 21, Miami 19. The victory will pave the way for a second ACC title for the Seminoles.

Speaking of predictions, I made my Superbowl picks back on 7/23/06. Several magazines and sports publications have just released their NFL preview editions including Superbowl predictions. Guess what? I must be a genius because my Superbowl matchup Colts vs. Panthers is ubiquitous. Of course I’ll be cheering on the Panthers, but I am sticking to guns on the pick. The Colts will take it. Of course they’ll have to get by the Bengals first, but that’s for another day.

Baseball: Here’s to hoping Jermaine Dye will win the AL MVP. Always liked him going back to his days in Oakland. Very consistent both in the field and at the plate.

Dodgers: Is there a streakier team in baseball than the boys in blue? They’re either losing 4 out of 5 games or winning 5 out of 6. They’re currently in first place in the West. If they can stay in 1st and anyone but the Giants can take the Wild Card, it would be fantastic. The last thing I want to see is Barry Bolds in the playoffs.

Green Tea: Heard it’s worth a try sometime in lieu of coffee. Perhaps Sunday or Monday…