Thursday, September 14, 2006

B.C.P. Baby

Memo to all NCAA Athletic Directors: B.C.P.

Oh you don’t know what that means? Having you been living under a rock for the past two weeks? It means Beware the Cream Puff. Or as I told a certain A.D. friend of mine recently, “B.C.P. baby.”
“What? What does that mean?” He squinted and stared at me, hoping a quick flutter of blinks would erase the word etched all over his face, Fear. His brow furrowed. Sweat rolled down his left temple. He called his secretary, “Hold all my calls.” Then he turned back to me, “Tell me what you know.”
“It’s simple,” I quipped. “B.C.P...Beware the Cream Puff.” His eyes twinkled and he quickly scribbled down everything I said, as if my words were dipped in gold. “Think about it. You’re paying ‘ol Cream Puff U. to show up and get steamrolled. It’s a cake walk for you and a paycheck for them.”
“Yes! Yes, that’s what I did.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here.”
“Oh, so what happened?” A monitor on his desk flashed to life and a message scrolled across the screen F-I-R-E-C-O-A-C-H when he yanked the power cord out of the monitor. “This is madness,” he declared. “Help me. You must help me.”
“I’m trying to, if you’ll stop interrupting me.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s really rude.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Of course you are. Now, this plan of yours, it’s completely flawed. The first problem is, everyone knows you’ve scheduled a Cream Puff, including your players. So they think they can just show up and win. Now the guys at C.P., they’ve had this date circled on the calendar since last spring. Every time they work out, they're thinking of you. They’ve been gearing up for you for months. They all know if they knock you off, instant fame. Their coaches have been dissecting game films of yours for five months. Your coaches have looked at film on them for five days. So there’s problem number one, Motivation. Your second problem in all of this is Publicity. The game’s not televised, so there’s no exposure. You can’t sell your program to a recruit by telling him you’re barely on TV. If you want national exposure, you play the Big Boys. Think Big Conference, Big Name, Big Program. Play Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere. That's how you build a program.”
“I think I’m starting to see.”
“Yes,” I nodded to him, “I bet you are. Now keep writing. Another problem of yours? The Fanbase. You beat the Cream Puff U. Cheesies by fifty points and nobody cares, you’re supposed to. Now if you only win by a touchdown, or, heaven help you, you lose to them, then you’re stuck where you are right now. The fans want somebody fired for it. Could be you, or the coach, or the offensive coordinator. Either way, they want blood.”
“You’re right. There’s nothing to gain from C.P.U.”
“Now you’re talking, B.C.P. baby!”
The phone rang. “I thought I said to hold my calls? Oh, it is? Yes, yes, right away.” A.D. covered the phone with his hand and beamed to me, “This is big!” Then he removed his hand and gushed out, “Yes sir, it sure is…Much better now that I’m talking to you…Well, I think this University and the Tidy Bowl would make a great partnership…Oh yes, December 24th, can’t think of a better time to schedule a game…well come on now, of course we’ll win six games…just fax it over and I’ll sign right now…you too.” And with that A.D. hung up the phone. The Fear was erased from his face and replaced with Pride. He glistened in his glory. “Oh Mr. Myers, my friend, you just witnessed history in the making.” If A.D. would’ve looked closer, he would’ve seen Disgust chiseled on my face. He called his secretary back, “Yes can you look up Little Sisters of the Poor for me? After that I’ll need Perennial Homecoming Loser’s number too.”
As I left his office I hollered back to him, “Review your notes, old friend. I’ll see you next week.”

What a week of football we have coming up! Saturday’s going to be a feast for the fans. My picks? Florida State over Clemson. Notre Dame over Michigan, though I personally can’t stand the ‘Holier Than Thou’ Golden Domers. LSU over Auburn, but bet someone you know the Tigers will win the game and either way, you’ll win some cash. USC over Nebraska in a blowout. Oregon over Oklahoma. Miami over Louisville, their defense will shut down Louisville’s running game. Florida over Tennessee, but it will come down to the final two minutes – hate the Gators too, but this is business. It’s where you learn to pick with your brain, not with your heart. Oh, and my guaranteed win, whoever’s playing Duke.

Heard the song “Sexyback” by Justin Timberlake? No, I’m not gay, “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Pretty damn good song. Would never have guessed it was him when I heard it.

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